On Grief, Lament, and the Courage of Sitting with Someone in Their Sorrow
I have had this verse on my mind lately, “Singing cheerful songs to a person with a heavy heart is like taking someone’s coat in cold weather or pouring vinegar on a wound.” This verse comes from Proverbs out of the New Living Translation. I think it speaks to something deep inside of us that we don’t often touch, at least not here in America.
It brings to mind this occasion when my car windows were down, the stereo was blasting–or at least as much as possible from a car that is over 20 years old. The sun shone brightly, even though it felt as though I had no right to enjoy the warmth on my face. Tears streamed down my face but somehow, the deep ache in my chest felt lighter as I played the same three songs on repeat. Somber music often helps me feel my feelings, helps me cry when I need it and helps me make sense of things. From my experience being asked to sing at more funerals than I can count, I can say without a doubt that the right song is soothing, cathartic and even healing to a broken heart. While it may stir up the emotion, it also helps us to express that emotion with a heart of lamentation instead of the all too common response of neglect and pushing those unpleasant emotions down.
The Holy Scriptures have more than their fair share of grief; in fact a whole book is titled Lamentations. You may know that the Hebrews would put ashes on themselves, tear their clothes and grieve for a whole year for a close family member. Laments throughout the world have been written for the grieving, requiems have been made into classic pieces. Anywhere from Mozart’s Requiem he rushed to complete before his own death to the Elton John song I will forever connect with the death of Princess Diana. And there are some that come from fictional stories that also reflect the grieving heart that are worth mentioning as well, the Lord of the Rings trilogy comes to mind. One lament I want to take a moment to dig into is that of Eowyn. Eowyn has the heart of a warrior and is the niece of the leader of a nation of people who are being infiltrated by evil. Our beloved Witch King Killer is first introduced to us when her fierce and compassionate heart is on display as we meet her during the most powerful times in her life. She is the only family member awake and present to grieve her cousin as he passed. Later, her beautiful song is captivating and poignant as it serves to not only send off her kin to the tomb, but to lament the state of her people. It is her pathway of healing to acknowledge what is lost and to feel it. As depicted in the Peter Jackson films, her rising emotion breaks her lyrical line and then almost becomes a chant as she holds onto each note and word as the casket moves closer to being sealed away forever. Perhaps a foreshadowing of her own possible fate as the mounting enemies approach. She faces it with resolve and fight, but nonetheless you hear her passionate expression of sorrow spilling out of her, the very definition of lament.
My mind again comes back to Proverbs. Briefly looking at the Hebrew via the Blue Letter Bible Lexicon which says the word “songs” are of an “uncertain” variety. While several translations use the word “song” in general, the NLT combines it with “cheerful.” I really do like the addition of “cheerful” to this version, though many do not have it. But in many other versions we see the phrasing, “like vinegar on soda” which gives such a visual. While I loved that experiment as a kid, I don’t want to feel that explosiveness as I grieve. Though it is inevitable to some degree. The Lord knows I’ve learned a bit more about grief this past year or two. Through this experience my confidence has grown and I hope to share what I am learning with others who are themselves grieving or walking alongside those in grief.
As I muse about lamenting, alongside the encouragement to express grief, I cannot neglect to mention what I’ve longed for in a friend and tried to be myself to others. I have two pieces of advice. The first is to stop pushing cheerfulness and joy and a new season on your terms. Be it concerning your own grief or that of a friend. It is all too common for even the church to follow the western cultural fashion of being able to vent, but to be free to truly lament is taboo. Perhaps we can move toward less emotional bypassing and even spiritual bypassing and let ourselves and others feel what needs to be felt. To clarify, emotional bypassing is when we skip over or suppress our own or someone else’s difficult feelings. Spiritual bypassing is similar. Any time we use faith based language to justify bypassing emotion. That brings me to my second unsolicited piece of advice: get into the coffin.
We don’t need to stand out in the cold. We shouldn’t let those we love stand out in it either. I see this distorted reaction to someone grieving, in our culture and in the Church. It’s a gross misunderstanding of Scripture and our Holy and Compassionate God’s heart! In Romans the Scriptures say to “…weep with those who weep.” Not to admonish that they aren’t grieving right, or too much, or wonder why they are grieving in the first place. We can just be with a person who is hurting. So yes, get in the damn coffin. Jesus, Himself has wept for us and with us, let us do the same for one another. Let a friend be sad! Hold their hand. Let them talk and ache. Let them feel pain in their own way. Pushing cheerfulness on a grieving heart is taking away their comfort, their protection and causing a reaction when you could have been used as an instrument of healing. When a friend, a family member or someone from your community is hurting, sit with them a little while. It is hurting the hurting to push our timing and intensity upon them. Perhaps we all should grieve like Hebrews, or like the Rohirrim of Middle Earth. Climb in. Close the lid. Embrace the sacred stillness where healing awaits.
References and Inspirations
Blue Letter Bible. Blue Letter Bible, www.blueletterbible.org.
Cassidy, Eva. Songbird. Blix Street Records, 1998.
Denver, John. Poems, Prayers & Promises. RCA Records, 1971.
MindJoy Counseling and Training. YouTube, www.youtube.com.
Mozart, Wolfgang Amadeus. Requiem in D Minor, K. 626.
Schultz, Mark. “Remember Me.”
“The Fellowship of the Ring (2001) – Official Trailer.” YouTube, uploaded by Movieclips, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cYI0sxUhdIY.
The Lord of the Rings Trilogy. Directed by Peter Jackson, New Line Cinema, 2001–2003.